I am polyamorous and kinky in relationships with others who are poly and kinky who are in relationships with others, etc.. I am not looking to live a risk-free life. As a long-time poly person and a sociologist, I know that we are humans loving humans and that has the potential to get messy fast. Every time someone new comes into my circle, there is a talk about risk profiles in regard to STIs, but there are other risks that can really damage my life and my family. We all have red flags that we watch out for--these are mine:

How are this person's other relationships? Are those relationships toxic? Would I be added as some kind of attempt to fix a messed-up situation?

How does this person react when a concern is brought up? Do they gaslight and try to shut the conversation down?

How does this person talk about their failed relationships (was anything ever their fault)?

How does this person react when I state a boundary? Do they try and talk me out of it and treat it as if it is unimportant?

How does this person react to mention of my other partners? Do they welcome the conversation or treat it like some sort of necessary evil?

If they are involved with one of my partners, how do they react to mention of me? Do they really wish I didn’t exist but will tolerate me because they like/love my partner so damn much?

A lot of these things can be small--a sneer here, a comment there, a deflection over there--but they can hint at a much larger issue that can wreak havoc on my existing relationships. If I think any of the above is true, I am going to ask more questions (as I realize that my initial impression may be incorrect), but if I can see that there is this incredible amount of potential danger hiding inside the shiny, NRE-covered package, I am going to have those conversations because staying silent is just way too risky.